Too Soon

When we first moved into our home 8 years ago we had little furniture.  That will happen when you move from 900 sq. feet to 2600 sq. feet.  We had little money, and we had no plans for the house other than to put in grass ASAP so the girls would have somewhere to play.

I was too busy with two young girls to have any real plan for decorating our new home.  But the one room I did have a plan for was the nursery.  Glenn's sister Amy had given us a very nice crib that her 4 kids had used, I had adorable bedding that my mom had given me that all 3 kids have used and is packed up for the grandkids!!!!???


Back to the nursery.  I also had a nice comfy LazyBoy to rock and nurse the day (and  night) away in.  So this room would be done first.  It would be easy and I had a plan.  Of course Glenn did the painting.  But I, I did the stenciling.

Ethan will be 6 this month.  We have not painted the nursery.  The crib is gone.  The basket of diapers and plush baby toys are gone.  Even the LazyBoy has a new home.  But I haven't the heart to paint the room.  Ethan hasn't said anything........yet.

I have no regrets in regards to how I raised my kids.  Regrets about other choices in my life, many.  But not my kids.  I didn't cry on any of their first days of Kindergarten.  Not a tear.  I had spent and loved every minute with my kids. 

I was a stay at home mom in every sense of the word.  I played at the park until the sun went down.  I painted and playdoughed.  I hid, I seeked.  I tea partied and colored. And I read.  This was not hard.  I could read to the children all day, and sometimes have.


My kids never went to preschool.  Some girls in my church and I did a playgroup.  But putting my children in other peoples care is hard for me to do.  I knew they would learn everything they needed to by baking cookies and going on walks.  They would learn to share by having siblings.  They would do chores and be disciplined.  They would say their prayers and go to church.  They would eat what they were given and learn more than any 4 year old needed to about fiber, calcium, and why salmon is so good for you.

This is a picture of Lila.  Along with the paint it has been in the room since Lila was 8 months old.  She is 8 years old now. 


I can't bring myself to take down that photo, or even think about repainting that room.  I don't want more children.  I am not even a baby person.  I could eat up my own.  I could rock them all day long while nibbling their neck and kissing their cheeks raw.  We are done with that stage in life, and I am okay with it. 


Time is going too fast.  Emry has been in our life for 10 years.  In eight she will leave.  It's too soon.  How can I possibly cram everything I want to teach her into the next eight years?  How can I paint the nursery?


I am not ready.