This picture speaks volumes about me as a kid. Aside from my crazy socks, which I think are quite cute, I am standing off to the side really embarrassed about taking a picture at all. It's my birthday yet my best friend is front and center while I want to disappear into the background.
This sums up my childhood. I wish I could understand the psychology of it all, better yet I wish I could go back in time and tell that insecure bundle of nerves to believe in herself.
I think a part of it was the way I was parented. My mom wanted humble children. Humble is a wonderful characteristic, but it can be tricky because children NEED to feel cherished, fantastic, capable, brilliant, important, spectacular, special, talented, loved, and on a day to day basis like they are the best thing that's ever happened in your life.
I always knew I was a child of God and that he loved me. But I was very fearful of the outside world. Fearful of failure even though I got straight A's, fearful of no one liking me even though I was sweet and kind, fearful of anything and everything.
I remember adults giving my mom compliments on her children and she would hastily dismiss them. She was uncomfortable with praise and thought it would turn her children into arrogant people too big for their britches.
It's a hard concept to understand for some, but I never felt what I thought or did was enough. This picture is a perfect example. I went to the prom with a very cute and popular boy from school. I told myself he asked me "as a friend" because of course he didn't like me.
Another interesting thing about this picture is my corsage. The ribbon is peach, my dress is pink. When he asked what color my dress was I was too embarrassed to say pink, so I said peach. Why? Whatever color I picked I wouldn't have felt comfortable with, because I picked it.
Looking back I think I was cute but if you don't have confidence in yourself you could be the most beautiful girl in the world .............full of insecurities and issues.
We were told we were loved occasionally, but my parents I am sure felt that actions spoke louder than words. Their actions were definitely heroic, they raised 9 children in a big ol' city and literally gave everything they had to us.
And we took. We took and took and took because that's the nature of kids.
I wish though I was told by them how special I was. How much they believed in me and that I could conquer the world. That the world was lucky to have me and I would make a great contribution.
With age comes wisdom thank goodness. There are qualities my parents have that I will never be able to achieve, there are others I will duplicate and still others I will go in the opposite direction.
I lavish love, attention and praise on my children. I push them to go outside their comfort zone and encourage them to try new things. I let them know I am the luckiest person alive to be able to spend my days with them. When I see them making good choices I tell them how proud I am. When I see them working hard I let them know I realize and appreciate their effort.
But................when they don't get a starring part in the choir I don't say "You're the best singer, you were robbed!" I tell them if it is important to them they need to try harder. That talent & knowledge do not come overnight and it can take months or even years of hard work to develop the skills and talents they desire.
I hold them accountable for their actions, good or bad, and make sure they know that as big a cheerleader I can be for them, I will also be the first one to say something when their actions are not in accordance with our expectations or beliefs.
The first thing I do when I see Ethan in the morning or after school or when he comes home from a friends is give him a big ol' bear hug and kiss his face all over and tell him how much I missed him. It's very dramatic & over the top.
A few days ago he was gone for maybe an hour and when he came home I was in the middle of something and just said "Hi Ethan".
About 10 minutes later he came up to me and asked "Why didn't you say 'I missed you so much Ethan, I love you, did you have fun'?"
It made me happy. Happy that he always knows he can count on me for love. I didn't know it meant that much to him. I hoped, but I didn't know until that day how much he appreciated my zealous gestures.
I have so much love for these kids. I thank God for the opportunity I have every day to encourage them, to root for them, to set expectations high, to listen, to answer, to motivate, to set them straight and teach them of their responsibilities to our family and the world.
One of my favorite books to read to the children is Max Lucado's 'You Are Special'. Our book is worn because I have read it for years, hoping to impart the message of God's love for them, to them. To let them know that as much as the world will eventually and inevitably put them down, God's love, nor Glenn & I's will ever waver.
To paraphrase from the book:
"Me, special? Why? I'm not very talented and my paint is peeling. Why do I matter to you?"
"Because you're mine. That's why you matter to me. Remember, you are special because I made you. And I don't make mistakes".
You are so amazing. I think you are going about parenting and raising your children in the best way possible. It's such a challenge to find a perfect balance between humble and self confidence and you are a prime example of both. Your kids are lucky.
ReplyDeleteChallenge is an understatement. I am trying, but these kids are worth it. I have regrets in life, but I refuse to have (too many) when it comes to them.
DeleteYour parents sound a lot like my parents. Though I know they loved me/us, there wasn't a lot said or affection bestowed. They showed us love by teaching us to be hardworking and responsible, but I still have a hard time accepting compliments... hadn't been used to receiving them. The happy medium is key - I think you've got it!
ReplyDeleteYeah we've discussed this before. I still have issues but am trying to believe in myself more and more. Prayer does wonders! When you know God loves you, you feel capable of anything.
DeleteDearest Marie, you're an inspiration for sure. I'm sorry you ever felt like this, seeing that picture of you with your friend makes me sad. I think a lot about you and what makes you you. I know you have of me too, because that's what dear friends do. And I love people like you. People that have thought things through really well, people that bring their ideas to fruition by reflecting upon themselves so as not to fall prey to, "too" many regrets. It's so amazing that the "refiners fire" can be such a beautiful tool and a way to really guide our children. Look at you now, refined, strong, smoother, happy, and open more open :).
ReplyDeleteI know what you're thinking, "well I'm not perfect," none of us are, but you're an excellent example of how to change, and how to be who you really want to be so you can be a great mom, a wife a friend a sister a daughter...
You also married a great man. On a slightly lighter note I'm not sure how any of your kids could suffer from being shy with him as a dad! Their going to "perform" whether they like it or not!
This post was touching, really. I'm thankful for you always and that the admiration I feel for you has helped me to become a better person.
Love Always,
Shauna
Sometimes I overthink the past, only because I want to learn from my mistakes and help my children. As parents we all want our children to have a better life than we did. I look around and learn, and then do the best I can.
DeleteWhat a beautiful post. Growing up my parents were (are) very open with their love and emotions. "I love you" is said a zillions times a day... though don't you worry, I still have many complexes and insecurities from the trials that are "growing up."
ReplyDeleteIt's interesting because once I moved to Spain and in with Spaniard, he simply didn't "say" I love you as much. I realized really how much I need to hear these words. Now he says it all the time. :) I believe you can never say it or show it enough.
Right! I know my love will not solve everything, but when problems and insecurities do arise, no matter how bad they feel or problems they are going through, I want them to know how strong my love for them is.
DeleteThis is a beautiful and touching post. A lot of the insecurities you describe of your childhood remind me much of my own. My parents did encourage me and shower me with praise although for some reason I did not believe in myself, lived in fear and suffered from a low self esteem. What a beautiful picture you are painting for your children. It is obvious that they GET the message from you. There is no better gift. You are a great example for me as I will soon become a mom for the first time. :)
ReplyDeleteBrittnie you would love this book, the message is so pure and good. It encourages us to focus on what God thinks and not the world. A good message for old and young alike.
DeleteThat sounds like a beautiful book.
ReplyDeleteIt is!
DeleteYou are a great mom - I can see that on your kid's faces. I have some that are naturally outgoing, and some that are naturally quiet. I hope they can look back on their childhood knowing I loved them with all my heart!
ReplyDeleteMy oldest is the most outgoing. Shy is not a problem on it's own, but mixed with insecurity for me was not good. I push my kids to overcome fear and nervousness because I know it develops a personal belief in yourself and takes away a lot of fear when you realize it doesn't have that much power. Even if you fall flat on your face, at least you tried. In the end, who's going to remember anyway?
DeleteThis post is lovely, Marie. I think being a parent that can learn and grow from your own experiences is to be the best kind of parent.
ReplyDeleteThanks. It's important to realize what you need to change and then do it.
DeleteVery inspiring post. I love your words and how you don't hold back on your blog. You are amazing! Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteI love your prom hair!
Thanks and yes, the good ol' 80's hair.
DeleteYou are beautiful as well as your kids are too! Such a great post. Thanks for sharing. So inspiring.
ReplyDeleteThanks Nicole. I appreciate your honesty as well.
DeleteYou sound like such a spectacular parent! And confidence, eh, it takes time. I love my parents and know they love me, they've always supported, pushed and encouraged me--yet I was a super meek kid with absolutely no confidence. So glad you can grow out of that and learn to be who you are and love it!
ReplyDeleteIt definitely takes time. But as you get older you care so much less what others think thank goodness, and focus on what is truly important.
DeleteThe best part about growing up! If there was only a way to go back in time and tell high school me what I know now--being that, doing what you enjoy is what's important, not about fitting in with what you think others expect.
DeleteI love this post, it's wonderful. It brought tears to my eyes. You're kids are very lucky to have you as a momma!
ReplyDeleteThank you. I feel they do appreciate me. But every momma needs a break sometimes so when Glenn takes them to the beach for the day I sure do enjoy my alone time.
DeleteYou sound so much like me in how you parent. No wonder I like you so much! I have taken very little from my own mom's parenting style into my own. She never played with us, ever, and she just wasn't a playful, warm person. She loved us, but it was words, you know? Anyhow, my dad was fun, warm, and wonderful and helped make up for it.
ReplyDeleteDon't you just wish you could get into people's brains and figure them out. Kids are young for such a short time, be present for them for goodness' sake. I am glad your dad was playful, both of my parent's were very old fashioned. My dad worked, my mom took care of the house, and the kids just kind of took care of each other. I love them so much, but there wasn't a whole lot of communication which I longed for.
DeleteI really appreciate your thoughtful words, always.
Wonderful post! You're an amazing mom! I love that your son noticed when you didn't give an over-the-top hello!
ReplyDeleteI have a similar parenting style. Or at least I try. For me, it can be hard to know what each child needs. I have one child that thinks she can take on the world and another who would like to run away from it. :)
And we love that book too!
My oldest is so outgoing and the other 2 not so much. But they have taken her lead and are a little more fearless because of her.
DeleteI believe I was there when Jeanette was getting you ready for that dance. You were very low key about the whole thing and when I tried to make a big deal about it, you were like, it's no big deal. I thought, "Wow, she is cool at dances..." hee hee. Anyway, way to bring tears to my eyes. I love that book too and I love Marie :)
ReplyDeleteWe were always cool at dances, in our mind anyway!
DeleteYou were ADORABLE :) Very cute! haha Such a great post and message, thanks for sharing! Sometimes we all need to remember this.
ReplyDeleteYour welcome for me sharing. I am turning into quite the over-sharer.
DeleteAwesome post Marie with the comparisons of how you were raised and how you choose to parent. My mom always tells us to do better than they did, and they did the best they could with what they have. It sounds a lot like how your parents were was a generation thing, don't you think? That is kind of how my mom's parents were to them. It's so fun though to make conscience decisions of how you want to do things and the message you want to convey to your kids. I love that you make your kids feel special and important but also hold them accountable- I think that is perfect and well rounded. More than anything I want Noah to know he is special and a Child of God as well- because if he knows that he will be confident and have self-esteem which is so key in life. Anyways, awesome post, loved the candid thoughts!
ReplyDeleteThanks Laura. Glenn's mom praised him up and down and he felt like he could do anything, and he pretty much can. I want my kids to have his confidence.
DeleteThat's awesome, and another great thing is your kids will learn from your praise and do that with their own children. :) Have a great night Marie!
Deletewow this is amazing. love the message and you are just lovely. i love the first pic! you were so so cute!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much. Your little one needs to know how wonderful she is. She's so cute I am sure you have no problem letting her know that every day.
DeleteAt first I thought you were going to turn into one of those American Idol Moms...where you KNOW YOUR KID SUCKS, but you tell them they ARE THE BEST EVUH!!!!! anyway. ;) Being a parent is SO WOW. From what I "know" of you, you are awesome and you are doing the best job you possibly can.
ReplyDeleteHaha, No, I am realistic. I want to encourage my kids, but not lead them on only to have the real world crush them. It's tough out there and they need to be prepared. Thanks for the encouragement, I, like you, am trying to do the best I can.
DeleteWhat a wonderful post! I can tell that you are such a wonderful, loving mom (even way before I read this post) and the relationship that you have with your children is so special. It's so interesting that you grew up without the confidence that seems to radiate from you now (from what I can tell just from your blog!) and how comfortable you are with yourself today.
ReplyDeleteIt's so important to correct the things that you wish were different from your childhood when raising your own children. I look back at so many things from when I was growing up and wish I could tell my former self, "It gets better," or "It's going to be alright." Since you can't travel back in time, the best thing you can do is pay that wisdom forward to your kids!
Right, and just come to terms with taking those lessons into the future. Change for me has been a lifetime in the making, and it's been worth it. My children will not go through my insecurities, but I am sure they will deal with a whole different set of problems because that's life. I only hope to make the fall a little gentler.
DeleteWhat a beautiful post. I too look back at my childhood/teen years and wonder, WHY was I so insecure? I'm not sure I'll ever understand why I disliked myself so much in those days, but I do all in my power to raise self confident kids.
ReplyDeleteWe're one in the same huh. Like I said, the psychology is so interesting, it boggles my mind sometimes. The wisdom that has come to be in growing and learning has been priceless.
DeleteI really liked this post!
ReplyDeleteI was pretty insecure growing up as well. I try to tell my kids daily that they rock so they will be more secure than I was/am.
Exactly. And they do Rock! Kids are awesome. We just need to keep believing in them and being their cheerleader. They have the power to make this world FANTASTIC!!!!
DeleteSuch a wonderful post, and I see so much of myself and how I was and how I am now in what you've written. I was (am) also very insecure as a child and shy and I retreated into myself. I don't think it was so much a fault of my parents, though, as it was just me. Now, as a mother, I make sure my kids know they're loved and that they can do anything and they're amazing people and they shouldn't settle for anything less than 100%.
ReplyDeleteI want my kids to not have as many regrets as I did. I always tell them to do whatever they want, not to let others dictate their choices. To live life on their own terms, and to do that you've got to believe in yourself. We're all in this together as mothers trying to raise up brave ones.
DeleteI love this. There definitely has to be a balance between praising, loving, and giving your kids confidence and holding them accountable for their actions. Time and again I'm seeing families whose children aren't loved\praised\cherished (in the right way, that is), and how it's affecting them, and it just breaks my heart.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing!!
life-with-linz.blogspot.com
Thank you Lindsey. Definitely a balancing act. I think I am doing pretty good but I also have a husband that is a wonderful support thank goodness.
DeleteYou've got such an awesome view on this. The only thing my parents encouraged me on was my writing and art--they thought my love of dancing was stupid. Now, I admit I looked more like a flailing giraffe than like the beautiful ballerina I thought I did in my mind--but with practice I might have been decent. While I don't want to puff my kids up thinking they're brilliant at everything, I don't want them to feel like they're nothing either.
ReplyDeleteI agree, and there's nothing wrong with your parents encouraging you to do something just for the love of it. Just because you're not going to be a professional dancer doesn't mean you shouldn't do it and enjoy it. There's a wonderful learning process in doing something that's hard.
DeleteMarie, this is such a beautiful post! I too am so glad that wisdom comes with age. You are an awesome mama and your children are so blessed to have someone who makes them feel so special!
ReplyDeleteI may be getting more wrinkles but I sure am learning a whole lot.
DeleteI read an interesting article the other day about how we praise our kids. It was from the perspective of teachers and that we had done kids a disservice with overpraise an unwarranted praise. Makes sense to me. I tried more than anything to let my kids know I loved them. And as often as I communicated my pride in them, I really did try to make it valuable. I know someone with young kids who is forever saying "You're so smart," and "you're so handsome." I cringe.
ReplyDeleteI absolutely agree that there is a balance in all of this. I try really hard when my kids get good grades instead of saying "you're so smart" to put it on them and say "how does it make you feel knowing your efforts paid off?".
DeleteI am their biggest cheerleader, but make no mistake, I do not tolerate rude, self centered behavior. If a teacher is mad at my kid, most likely I am going to side with the teacher. My kids need to learn now that the world is coming at them, and though they might not always have the answers, at least they won't be surprised.
I love that quote at the end. You have some very lucky kids!
ReplyDeleteYou're kids would love this book.
DeleteThis is such a beautiful and touching post!!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much.
DeleteYou are absolutely amazing Marie. I am in awe and my respect for you increases with every single post. I have lapped up every bit of this post and I know that I will have this as a special note to refer back to while I raise my child. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
ReplyDeleteSo kind. Live and learn right? It's so interesting what we can learn from our own upbringing. I do know that life is hard and our kids are being beat down a lot, home should be a wonderfully safe haven.
DeleteThis is a beautiful post. I hope to be the same kind of Mom as you are :)
ReplyDeleteI am a constant work in progress.
DeleteSuch a simple but important message to give to your child. I love that Max Lucado book.
ReplyDeleteDoesn't it have the best message of not letting others rule your mind about what you think of yourself. I love it.
Deletethis post is just so perfect! i think we all wish we could go back and tell ourselves to be more confident. but you are beautiful, and have truly grown into yourself :)
ReplyDeletexo TJ
Thank you so much. I know I am not alone in this thinking. But we're all learning and putting it to good use.
DeleteI have read many inspiring posts in my life but this is different. You have quite a way with words. It kind of hit me when you said we could be the prettiest girl in the world but it doesnt mean anything unless we believe it. People tell me all the time how beautiful I am, and I take the compliment, but I can't help but think that I have them fooled. I'm not pretty...I clean up nice sometimes but I just don't think I'm pretty. Confidence is something I've been working on lately.
ReplyDeleteIt really is a struggle right? Unless you have an inner confidence and strength and know what you stand for, things just seem off. I really appreciate the compliment on my writing.
Deletewhat a beautiful post. Sounds like you have found a wonderful balance as a parent!
ReplyDeleteThank you, and like all moms I am still learning.
DeleteOh my what a wonderful post. I try to parent much the same way. My parents were the opposite from yours. I think they gave me too much praise which made it a bit harder to accept rejection.
ReplyDeleteI have grown up though and figured that out and try to levy praise without over doing it.
I hope, as I am sure you do, to have level headed and strong children once they are out in the world on their own.
Agreed! It's the parenting dance, give but not too much. Make them responsible within reason, teach gratitude and respect but love em till it hurts.
DeleteThis is SUCH a beautiful post! I'm forwarding this onto my best friend, my momma :)
ReplyDeleteYou have such a great relationship with your children; be proud of your children.. you are raising them to be wonderful people
I must have missed this one in January. This is such a beautiful post. Your love for your children and what you want to give them is inspiring. I think if they read this they would be just as proud of you as you are of them.
ReplyDelete