Eaten Alive

1.Do you have trouble getting up in the morning?

2. Do you have trouble opening jars?

3. Do you need help getting dressed?

These are just a few of the questions that seem to be on every medical form I fill out dealing with my arthritis.  I was always able to very safely and smugly answer no, no & no!  Sure I have pain, and sometimes it even lasts for a few days, and sometimes it's horrible.  But it goes away or I get my infusion and I am back to normal.  Normal being some pain, some fatigue & some swelling, but not enough to stop me.

Well I've been stopped.  For about a month, maybe more my right foot has been in such pain.  It's swollen and keeps me up at night.  I can barely walk.  Running?  Exercise?  I've worked out my whole life.  If I miss 3 days in a row it's due to Christmas, vacation or an illness.  It's a huge part of my life.  Well I've been jaded by pain and I just don't care.  I don't care that I am out of shape and it will take me months to get back to running where I was.  I don't care because there's literally nothing I can do about it. 

This is my life.  Right now.  I am seeing a specialist tomorrow with my new insurance.  Why did I wait so long?  I thought the pain would go away.  I thought I could will it away. 

I was talking a nurse a while back who said the x-rays of one of her arthritis patients looked as if all her joints had been  gnawed on by rats.  I hope that's not my case.  I hope I haven't waited too long. 

Well, that's what's going on around here.  I hope I feel better very, very soon because I know 3 little kids that have been thankfully much nicer than they've been naughty (& they are naughty!!!)  and we are loving the excitement and anticipation of the season.

Weak in the Knees

In the 6 years I've dealt with Rheumatoid Arthritis it's never affected my knees.  Until now.  It started out of the blue last night and progressed as the night went on.  I was at a youth activity for our church with all of these teenagers b-bopping around trying to walk normally because heaven forbid I be seen as some sickly old lady they can't relate to.  By the time I arrived home I had to pop some pills and literally fall into bed as I couldn't bend my knees.

I am not sure why but for some reason, having it in my knees makes me feel old.  It conjures up images of people who can't walk, can't run.  That would be me right now.  I've always exercised through the pain but when you can't bend your knees,  what can you do? 

It's the weirdest thing for your body to betray you.  I've made many mistakes in my life but abusing my body hasn't been one of them.  I remember as a  child seeing a  small boy in a wheel chair.  He had no legs.  The image literally took my breath away and has stayed with me to this day.  From that moment I have never taken my health for granted.  Ever.  A healthy body is the greatest gift I have. As I said my prayers that night I let Heavenly Father know how grateful I was for my legs.  My hands.  My heart.  Everything.  I still say it.  Every night.

I am not perfect but I eat good (dare I say great), I get plenty of sleep, am spiritually fed and am very active so what gives.............

What gives is I have peace of mind knowing I did nothing wrong.  I know we are all given challenges and trials that with the Lord's help we can if not conquer, live through.   It's just life, the way it has to be.

I turned off  the comments because I already know how those who care about me feel.  I don't want a pity party, I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me, I couldn't take it.  But know that I am aware of your thoughts and I appreciate it.  You are all in my thoughts too.  Every one of you.  I know at any given time we are all dealing with loss, heartache, pain, loneliness, frustration, or a myriad of other emotional & physical trials. 

I've made an appointment for my treatment next Thursday.  It's the soonest I could go.  I am like a junkie now just waiting for my fix.  I can't even put into words how excited I am.  I feel blessed beyond belief to live in a day & age when this treatment is available (also to have a husband that's footing a very expensive medical bill).  I think all the time about people who lived with this pain before any treatment was made available.  I can't even imagine.

If you are able to.  Take a walk for me today.