Live Through This

Looking back I can't believe I was in such torture.  But I was.  It was real and all consuming and horrible.

Emry started at the Prep school last year and we loved it so much we put the other two on the waiting list.  We wanted them all to have the same great educational experience she was having.  We wanted them to spend the rest of their academic life together, at least through high school.  That was always the plan.  It was what we wanted.  Or so I thought.

I got an email 2 weeks ago saying Ethan was in.  Ok.  Great.  He'll miss his friends and teacher, but this is good.  It's the plan.  I immediately accepted a spot for him.

The next week I started feeling a bit sad, uneasy and nostalgic.  I bought the uniform clothes anyway.  Some brand spankin new, some at the thrift shop.  I didn't want to buy black shoes as he had black church shoes in his closet that most likely he'd grow out of before he wore them out, they now had double duty.

We started counting down his days at Paloma.  I still felt uneasy.  I prayed.  I prayed more, harder and more fervently than ever.  I needed an answer.  It seems dramatic but I was in tears every night.  The more I prayed and fretted the worse my stomach twisted into knots.  The doubt was so real it was in my face, an enemy I couldn't shake, scaring me daily.

We said goodbye to his teacher.  His friends.  I gave her a hug and she hugged me back with tears in her eyes.  Maybe I am like every other mother, but I know Ethan was her favorite.

That night things went from bad to worse.  For me.  Ethan was fine.  He was nervous because he knew the curriculum would be tough, but he was fine.  I couldn't sleep.  I called my mom.  No answer.  I texted Glenn the craziest texts ever.  Thank goodness he was working and wasn't privy to the manic emotional wreck I had become.

In the dark of the night with rain pounding at my window I made up my mind.  I couldn't bear to wake Ethan up at 6am every day, make him drive for 20 minutes, send him to a school, a class, a teacher and students he didn't know.  Add to his workload and stress him out.  I wasn't doing it.

I got out of bed bleary eyed not waiting to wait a moment longer to really talk to Emry about the neighborhood High School.  The have a new theater, all her friends are there, it's right around the corner.  Emry is so easy going surely if I proposed properly she'd want to go there next year.  All my ducklings would be close and I wouldn't have to rip Ethan out of his comfy cozy little environment and throw him to the wolves.  Again, dramatic, but that's the only way to describe exactly how I felt.

Emry wanted to stay put.  What?!?!  She loves the school, her Drama teacher, her friends.  It's not fair but it's just the way life is, or our family anyway.  By virtue of being the oldest by default she gets to make the decision.  All the kids were going to be together.  The prep school is 20 minutes away and on a totally different schedule and it would be too hard to have them at different schools.  Where she went, the others would follow.

My plan of marching right back to Paloma and telling them that in the last 16 hours I had changed my mind (realizing how utterly flaky I would look) and I wanted to safely put Ethan back in his class wasn't going to happen.

I woke him up, fed him, packed his lunch and drove him to school unsure of what awaited him and me there.
I met the principal, his teacher, looked around the class and reluctantly left.  That was it.

I couldn't wait to pick him up that day.  I had to know the mess I made of his life.  I had to hear how horrible it was.  I needed to comfort him and somehow make it better.

He said, and I quote "That was the most awesome first day of school ever!"

Say what?

He said, and I quote again "I felt like Justin Beiber, all the kids crowded around me, that's never happened."

Turns out he loved it.  He loves his classmates, his teacher, the cool things they have at the school, everything.

His brand new shirt.  Pants & sweater bought at the thrift store.   Glenn said "are those girls pants?"  I was hoping he wouldn't notice.  Oopsy  Gotta save a buck when I can.

So what is the takeaway here.  That prayers aren't answered?  That I am an emotional lunatic?

I've thought about it hard and here's what I've come up with.  Prayers are most definitely answered.  Sometimes our Father in Heaven doesn't respond on our time table.  Sometimes He wants us to have faith in ourselves.  Sometimes we put too much responsibility on His shoulders to make everything in our life okay instead of shouldering the work it takes.  Our human faith can be shaky and many times we let fear override the things that can be great in life.

So what's the difference between truly feeling a choice is not good for you and fear?  Since I am an expert now here's what I think.  It takes work and practice.  I know my natural tendency is to go the easy route.  The comfortable one.  I know I can let fear and doubt consume me.  I know I don't trust in Him enough.

The great thing is I can work on it.  Faith can grow.  In God and in myself.

And sometimes....... sometimes we just have to live through scary things.  Take a leap and hope we come out the other side in one piece.

It's called life. 

Baptism

Ethan Glenn Wallwork was baptized this past Saturday, April 13, 2013.  In the Latter Day Saint Religion you are baptized when you are 8 years old into the church.  Ethan has seen his dad baptize both his sisters and was so excited to participate in this sacred ordinance himself and become a member of our church.

It was a special day for our family.  Glenn's parents and two of his sisters drove down from Fresno to be here with us.  My family was also in attendance along with a few close friends.  Glenn's sister Amy gave a talk on baptism, Lila gave a talk on confirmation, and Emry and Lila sang a song.  It was simple & perfect.

 clockwise from top left: Glenn's sister Amy, her husband Dave & Ethan - Ethan & I - Jeannette and her family with Ethan, with Lila trying to photobomb the shot - Ethan & his cousins Nathan & Drew

After the baptism it was time to EAT!

Quinoa Salad with dates, sweet potatoes, pine nuts and feta, Roasted Chicken, -  Ceasar Salad,  Mexican Salad, - Artichoke dip, Cowboy Caviar - There was also a fruit plate & banana bars (unpictured)

And the rolls deservedly get their own photo.  What's better than fresh from the oven rolls?  Nothing.

The kids with Glenn's parents Lanny & LoRane Wallwork.  I know, this shot is fantastic.  That's what I get for taking it as my kids are rushing off to school.  But at least I got a picture of them which is more than I can say for Karen, Glenn's sister.

She took time off from work and hauled her 2 little boys down here to be with us and I am so grateful she did.  Karen is one of the kindest people on the planet and leaves you wanting to be a better person yourself.

Thank you to our family and friends for supporting us, loving us and being such great examples on a day to day basis of how to be better, live better, do better.  We love you all.

And to you Ethan, always remember Your Savior loves you and is there for you.
I love you too love you more love you the most nonstop google infinity dot com to eternity neverending story.

March 24, 2013, 8 Years Later

8 Years ago I was in denial about being in labor.  For starters my due date was still 2 weeks away.  Secondly my water hadn't broken like it had before labor started with the girls.  Third Glenn was out of town on business.  Surely woman don't go into labor when their husbands aren't around!

My neighbor called to check on me and convinced me I was, in fact, in labor and she would drive me to the hospital.  We called Glenn en route and left him a message to drive straight to the hospital when his plane landed.  He made it just in time to see his son born.

Every day has been a joy, you have added so much to our family Ethan.  So much love, fun, energy and sweetness.

I stayed up late making your cake.  I woke up at 5 am to prep food.  After church I was in the kitchen for another 4 hours making pizza dough, chopping, cooking, cleaning and repeating.

Right to left  - veggie pizza on the grill, the kids,  Birthday Boy with my parents, the Heath bar ice cream cake Ethan requested, cheese & pepperoni pizza,  pear/gorgonzola/caramelized onion pizza & pesto chicken pizza, and lastly Emry pulling kiddos up & down the block.

You told me today "Thank you" a million times,  "I love you" a million times.  Your heart is full of gratitude and because of that I'll do anything for you.

Happy Birthday to one of the Loves of my life!!!!!

Feeding Five

Emry you've equaled me in heighth and are now on the road to surpassing me.  What's more interesting is that I feel your mind is on that same road.  It is the strangest thing to see a child, your own child, know and understand things that perplex you.  I can't figure out if you're just naturally a genius, or if you get up when we're sleeping and study all night. You are so sure of yourself, you know who you are and where you're going.  You're a 'take charge' kind of girl.  You've thrown yourself into the thespian life with so much joy and vigor, it's so fun to just watch you burst into song and dance at any moment .  You're still a slob.  You give me a hard time about walking Brutus. You don't let me pick out your clothes anymore.  But it's a small price to pay to stare at you and feel my heart speed up as I anticipate your future.  You've always jumped in with both feet, there's no middle ground for you.  You don't have a scared or embarrassed bone in your body.  You're open and honest and tell it like it is.  I adore you.  I want to be you.  Wherever you go in life........ take me with you.

Lila.  There is one word that encapsulates who you are.  Sweet.  When anyone describes you that is the word they use.  You are rainbows and fairies and ponies all wrapped into one.  You love little things and even have a 'little things' club at school.  Little Pet Shops, little 'Squeenkies', it doesn't even matter what, as long as it's little and cute.  Which is funny because those words are YOU!  You are also our resident rubber band as you cartwheel and back flip through the house.  Rest assured I am well aware of your mischievous streak as well.  Ever since you were 3 and I saw you rub your hands together saying "bonk the Ethan" and then you did!  Oh yes, Lila, I am watching you.  I love, love, love every night when I come to tuck you in and you grab my neck, pull me close and say "I never want to stop hugging you loving you!!!!"  I never want to stop either.

Ethan right now I am your world.   The first thing you do when you wake up is come to my bed and say "I love you".  They are also the last words you say at night when I tuck you in.  You love Tom Sawyer and Moby Dick as well as The Wimpy Kid.  A day doesn't go by that you don't read.  I think I've kind of spoiled you and hope somewhere out there in the world is another 7 year old whose parents love her so much she will be able to pass on that love to you and adore you as much as I do.  You don't like to be alone, if Emry and Lila are busy you are beside yourself.  But when you get together with your cousin Nathan, oh my gosh watch out, you two don't stop.  You will play Army in the bushes for hours and proudly show off your 'war' wounds upon arriving home.  I give thanks that you have a boy cousin who teaches you how to be tough.

I love feeding you kids.  I love feeding your souls and heart as well as your belly.

Game On!!

It's Baseball Season!! You'd think after growing up in a family with a sports-obsessed dad and 6 equally sports-obsessed brothers I'd want nothing to do with it.  I thought so too.  I mean my childhood was basically ruined because there was a football, baseball, or basketball game on (our 1 T.V.) at any given time which meant the chances of me watching 'The Brady Bunch' were slim to none.  I learned to loathe when my dad said 'only 10 more minutes' because even though it took me a while, I soon realized that '10 minutes on the clock' is completely different than 10 minutes.

But all it took was seeing my sweet boy out on the field having fun to make spending almost 3 hours freezing my butt off something I look forward to.

Ethan cheers so loud for his teammates, he gets so excited and there is nothing he loves more than making a good play.  He's learning and so am I.  I am learning the other moms bring blankets and heaters.  I forgot my beach chair last night so I sat with the opposing team on the bleachers.

The first hour of the game was pretty boring.  Ethan struck out in less than 30 seconds, their pitcher was no joke.  His next time up to bat he made it to first and was brought home by another player.  YES!!!!!

But the real shining moment came when he was between 2nd & 3rd  (I am still learning all the terms, give me time) and with the bases loaded for the other team & 2 outs a batter made contact and up, up, up the ball went.  I realized it was going in Ethan's direction and suddenly everything went in slow motion.  Before my heart could stop Ethan caught it, & held on to it!  He raised his glove up and I jumped up and started yelling and cheering.  Then I quickly walked over to the other side and decided it was better to stand with my team than sit where I clearly didn't belong.

Glenn was busy with his church calling and when I texted him about the play I think it literally broke his heart that he wasn't there.  But I was happy enough for both of us.

There's more to it than just that play.  It's seeing Ethan realize that hard work can pay off.  That teamwork is essential and the joy that comes from personal accomplishment feels great.  All sports are tough, fantastical plays like that are few and far between, so it's nice when they do happen.

Ethan got the game ball that night. And his team won. 

My feet were frozen, I was tired and hungry but it was the best night ever.

Interview

1. Name & meaning?
- Ethan Glenn Wallwork.  Cause my parents named me it.

2. What's the best thing about being you?
- That I have a good family & I have a physical body.
 
3.What's great about being part of your family?
- My parents are always nice to me & my mom makes me food.

4. What's your favorite book?
- Illustrated Classics

5. You in 3 words.
- Honest, Loving, Nice.

6. Favorite Memory.
- When I was a baby doing funny stuff.
 
7. Favorite Quote.
- "When you don't succeed, try try again"

8. Proudest Achievement.
- Mostly getting 100% on my homework.

9. What's your favorite thing your mom makes?
- Peanut Butter & Bananas

10. What do you want to be when you grow up?
- A Police Man

11. What do you know for sure?
- That my mom loves me.

12. What do you look forward to?
- I look forward to having a good family and a good house and nice kids.

13.  What's the best thing about.......
Lila - She always says yes if I want to play with her.
Emry- She always makes crafts with me.
Mom in one word- Loving
Dad in one word- Playful

14.  What do you believe in?
- I believe in the Gospel and Church.

 15. Favorite saying.
- You can do it!

Career Day

The kids elementary spirit day  this month was 'Career Day'.  I am sure my kids will change their mind a hundred times before they actually settle on a career, but as of now Ethan wants to be a Police Officer and Lila wants to perform with Cirque de Soleil.

We found this snazzy leotard at the Salvation Amry and complimented it with lots of colorful sparkly makeup.  Lila's never seen a Cirque show but I've seen many & I think she would do great!

 This isn't actually a police outfit, but I asked around to some friends and this is the best I could come up with.  Even with 40% off at the Salvation Army Lila's outfit was almost 15 bucks, so sorry Ethan,  a Park Ranger's outfit that's a few sizes too small will have to do.

At least I got the Ugg's right.  I know all Park Rangers wear Ugg's.